“Ahh, Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there you’re wondering “Do I have food on my face? Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested? I’m not really interested. Should I play like I’m interested? But I’m not that interested, but I think she might be interested. But do I want to be interested, but now she’s not interested, so now all of a sudden I’m getting–I’m started to get interested.” And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door ’cause then it’s awkward? It’s like, well, “Goodnight. Do you do like the ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and the ass sticks out because you’re trying not to get too close or just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don’t kiss them at all?” It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while your just really want to know are we going to get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions. And perhaps play a little game called just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels, or “Ouch, ouch, you’re on my hair.” ~ Jeremy (Vince Vaughn), Wedding Crashers
Let’s have a chat cause frankly, you haven’t held up your end of the “ask and you shall receive bargain.” Yeah I said it. Yes, I know I’m not a patient person; but would you be by now??? I’m fucking FORTY. I have entered an entirely new decade of my life and now I get to experience it dating. Really NOT WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT!!! And yes, I am mad at you. I saw the contrast, I heard we were getting down to the wire and I may have to decide between partner or kids. I chose, over and over again when the topic came up with friends. Like four years ago at the bar in Southie with my friend? You heard me loud and clear. I chose and continue to choose the partner over kids. I even moved back to Philadelphia area 3 years ago to see my nieces and nephew grow up because I knew not having my own may be a possibility. I have done everything necessary to prepare for the partner in my life. Somehow our wires must have gotten crossed though. I will give you a couple examples. Let’s play: Do You Recall?
Do you recall the jackass Cowboys fan lawyer you sent me last summer (gave him a pass because he was actually from Texas)? Yes, he seemed nice till somehow he freaked out on me and now every couple months I get a text from him or HIS FRIEND right around the same time, each one trying to one up the other with the came of “Who can convince her to fuck first?” Yes, it’s been almost a year now. Can you move them along? I am really tired of getting the texts about every 3 months. I REALLY AM getting too old for this shit.
Do you recall Thanksgiving last year? We won’t even go into how you got my hopes up with someone who seemed legit but was just another man child. (Don’t worry kids, you WILL hear that story.)
Do you recall February 2017? It has a real shitty (and I mean shitty) ending. Even I couldn’t talk about that for a full 24 hours….it was that repulsive. (This is the most EPIC DATING STORY EVER, KIDS. I will have to release this post at night and warn you that no matter how much alcohol you have – YOU ARE GONNA NEED MORE.)
Do you recall April 2017, August 2017, February 2018 and just this passed weekend? NOT COOL AT ALL UNIVERSE, NOT COOL. You know I have trust issues. This exact situation is why and you played a BIG ROLE in that. Next time I open up for someone will probably be at my autopsy.
And so as I begin my 26th year of dating I want to make sure you exactly understand what I want because I’m too old for the bullshit, the drama, and anything less than a man being a fucking grown up. I’m over the ghosting and games. This dating season you WILL:
CUT THE SHIT. Stop taunting me with asshats. I’m literally out of what very little amount of patience you gifted upon me. Yeah I know the best things in life are worth waiting for, but really how much longer can I wait?
SEND ME MEN WHO ARE MEN = GROWN UPS. People who say what they feel and be actually honest. I know the pickings are slim, but I am just not going to waste my time on more of the same old bullshit. As you already know time on this earth is limited and I am not about to spend it with anymore fuckboys.
I HEARD ABOUT THE GUY IN A PANDA SUIT ON AN APP. Don’t even think about it Universe. Just, no.
Now, I have seen the crap coming my way the last couple months and I think my reaction to it speaks VOLUMES around what I want and what I am willing to tolerate. I recognize my part in this, but realize that we need to work together. And I am going to keep saying no until you send some quality my way.
Universe, now that we are on the same page, I feel confident this is going to be an awesome dating season. And if not? Well, I’ve still got a ton of stories to tell. And I don’t doubt there are more in my future. The Universe loves to test us and provide contrast to make sure before it delivers what we wholeheartedly have been praying for to make sure it gets it right and in divine timing.
Get ready kids, THE SAGA CONTINUES…