*Originally, I started this post with the intent of editing and publishing closer to my actual birthday. It’s more raw than prior posts and not really a dating story. LIfe sometimes gets in the way of our plans. At 12:30 this morning I listened to something that confirmed, with almost identical words, portions of what I had written here mere hours ago. I broke down in glorious, happy, tears so heavy my body shuttered from appreciation. I have never been so certain of anything in my life than I am at this very moment.*
More times than you can ever imagine, and out of nowhere, life will knock you on your ass. It will humble you in ways you don’t see coming. With less than three months to go until my 40th birthday, I had been struggling to find my purpose and I knew it couldn’t be chasing the dangling carrot in Corporate America anymore. Cliche as it is, turning forty feels such a rite of passage or awakening. The industry I work in has become a space where a myriad of companies and people are trying to get their piece of the money to be made; and frankly, they don’t know what the fuck they are doing. As you have probably already read via many blogs, including this one, dating these days challenges our self-worth and mental health more than most care to admit. I no longer have the energy for the bullshit anymore. Does anyone have use for a retired, semi-professional online dater? Bueller, Bueller?
Chasing the carrot for motivation will no longer suffice. It never did; I just didn’t think what my intuition was telling me was possible for the last 10+ years. I’m an entrepreneur and maker at heart – always have been. And I could easily seek the advice of my world to tell me what they think I should do. However, “should be” isn’t really part of my vocabulary anymore. “Should be” is the idea of how our lives are supposed to be in our minds, shaped by our families, friends and society. “Should be” is what got me to the present and disenchanted with life. And I looked to find the lesson as I always do, but this time I was open to a new career or professional path. Finally, I awoke to what God/the Universe was trying to show me. The more I resisted the more loud I heard, “PAY THE FUCK ATTENTION: YOU. ARE. NOT. FOLLOWING. YOUR. HEART.”
If there is anything I have learned in the last almost forty (why am that old?) years – you cannot go wrong when following your heart. You will never regret it. Though challenging at times, when you follow your heart, everything changes, including you. It’s in these moments where your growth occurs, you follow your passion and you find out what you are really capable of. God/the Universe/life (whatever you believe in) only gives us what it already knows we can handle and it’s ALWAYS out of our comfort zone. Your growth will be necessary to accomplish the goal. I’m scared as fuck to be out there in a way I have never been. A vulnerability that I haven’t shared with any soul on the planet – not even my dog. And if you knew me, you’d know that’s a really big deal (you know, like Ron Burgundy). I’m not exactly a quiet or shy individual and my dog is the most important soul in the world to me. Logic is calling me a fraud. Experience is telling me logic is a distraction. That’s the thing about going with your gut, trusting your instincts and intuition. Sometimes the logical part of your brain says, “No fucking way. That’s crazy and ridiculous.” And then this is usually the part where you tell people WHAT you are feeling – they will usually agree with the logical side and kill your dreams before you can even start pursuing them. This is why I haven’t told a single soul. I don’t want to be talked out of my calling. I don’t want the noise and opinions of others to drown out my own intuition.
Brene Brown stated, “Midlife: when the Universe grabs your shoulders and tells you, ‘I’m not fucking around. Use the gifts you were given.'” Forty is coming at me like a MAC truck, and the idealist in me swears she’s still the sixteen year old who wants to change the world. The almost forty year old, at the very least, still craves making an impact. Each and every time in my life where I did not follow my instincts and intuition, when I asked and sought the opinions of others, it didn’t turn out so well. These days, I pray for the things money can’t buy – meaningful, honest, and genuine friendships and relationships and a purpose greater than myself. It requires unlimited patience and trust, skills of which are not my strengths. It’s allowing and letting the external voices be just that – external. It involves allowing the thoughts as they come and observing them, but not necessarily reacting or responding to them. It requires absolute faith I am on the right path. It demands I raise my standards and stretch my mental and emotional muscles by insisting I do that which I am called to do. Succeed or fail, I’m certain I will grow from it. It’s finding the courage to do what I am afraid to do as our gifts are often synonymous with our vulnerabilities. I have heard far too many stories of people telling their story and finding what they were supposed to do with their life by doing exactly what feared them the most. See what the Universe did there?!
And so I’m letting go. I’m walking away from things not meant for me. I’m choosing absolute faith over the naysayers. I’m done trying to prove my worth to people and places who don’t believe I’m good enough. I’m moving past the days where I naively believe what people tell me to do and not following my own intuition. How could I have trusted other people to decide what is best for me OVER ME? Done with “should be.” I’m done with what others think and seeking outside validation. It’s not about other people. It’s about my relationship with myself – the only person with whom I am 100% guaranteed to spend the rest of my life. It’s me looking inward for the answers and trusting God/the Universe will reveal all in perfect timing. You think that’s kooky? That’s ok – it’s your opinion and you are entitled to it. I just don’t need or want to hear it anymore. It’s another distraction calling me away from purpose. This may sound harsh and bitchy, people may take offense, and those who feel that way truly need to look inward to understand why he/she feels this way. My life isn’t about you. It’s about me. Your life is about you. And what you translate from this post is about you and your perception, and something within you that demands your attention. And I don’t know about you, but I want to be ABSOLUTELY, WITHOUT A DOUBT, FUCKING CERTAIN that I used every opportunity, every heartbreak, every challenge that God/the Universe gifted me. Every experience holds a lesson. I want to be the most authentic and genuine version of myself. I want to know I showed up to this amazing, one time only offer called life, not just survived.
e.e. cummings once wrote, “To be nobody but yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.” It has taken me almost forty years to truly understand that I am whole, worthy and complete as I am today and validation comes from within. I am 100% responsible for my life. I haven’t always made the right decisions or done the right things; and I am not claiming to be perfect. The challenges and circumstances I have faced in my life have shaped me into the person I am today and though I am not without flaws – there is no one I would rather be.
And my current situation? Well, you are just going to have to wait and see. The adventure begins NOW!