Happy New Year!!! I apologize I haven’t provided you entertainment this year as of yet. I hope this post delivers.
Creepy guys are coming out of the woodwork like cockroaches. Fucktard Island is a permanent part of the US and even the aliens are ignoring us now. Don’t mistake the tone of this post – I enjoy sharing the crazy with you all. No idea why I think I’m still gonna find a husband though – my dog must be lacing my yogurt with crack? Since I’m better at weeding out the guys and my patience is thinner than a piece of paper, I really haven’t had the time to extensively talk to guys I’m not interested in. However – I have compiled some of the most ridiculously heinous (and as always, BLOG-WORTHY) things that were said to me last week, in no particular order.
1. A guy looking old enough to be my grandfather contacted me and wants to get to know me better. I think they left out of his 60/40 training that you are supposed to have A LOT of money and not be completely appalling if you want to be a Sugar Daddy.
2. Three DIFFERENT guys, one ripped with an okay face, the second with a photo of HIS nipple as his profile picture and the third was smoking hot (TRAGIC), all messaged me and asked if I had pretty feet, if I painted my toes and what size they were. No, just NO. Gross.
3. Guy matches with me on bumble and when I reach out to say hello he informs me that he’s already talking to someone he likes on bumble that he enjoys. I cannot even explain to those of you who don’t online date why this is such a blatant lie because his swipe was the MATCHING swipe. It’s such a ridiculous lie in fact that I actually checked my OWN drivers license to make sure that I WAS. NOT. in fact. BORN. YESTERDAY. Just unmatch me – its cool. You only make yourself look like a moron for lying.
4. Another guy contacts me username is CREAM506, he’s easily 500 pounds, and tells me he would like to get to know my inside (nope – not my mind or my soul). Sorry if I made you throw up a little in your own mouth there, but you are just reading about it. Imagine what it feels like to be living it. *SHUTTERS*
5. Username Italicum72 contacts me:
ITALICUM72: Hello, my name is Xxxxx and I would like to make friendship with you. Would you like to meet for coffee?
ME: With a username like that? Absofuckinglutely not.
ITALICUM72: It means Italian in Latin.
ME: It means Italian Law in Latin. I have google.
ITALICUM72: Read italiac.
ME: Even if it does why would you use that? Apparently you didn’t read my profile. I have no time for BS and someone with the right intentions would just use italian72. *BLOCK*
God, I’m such a bitch. Oh well, just add it to the list of reasons I’m currently going to hell. St. Peter’s running out of paper. I hope he has at least a 256 GB iPad.
I said it once and I’ll say it again – the only man I’m gonna chase is the ice cream man.