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My Guide to Surviving the Holidays Single…AGAIN.

ME: GROAN.

This year the Grinch is my spirit animal.  I now understand his disgust for people.

Holiday time. Happy couples everywhere excited about exchanging presents, going to parties, cuddling, ice skating, and finalizing where they will kiss when the New Year strikes. For singles like myself, we are all too aware of what New Year’s Eve has in store.  I will be kissing my dog at midnight, in yoga pants or leggings, on my couch. Every year I think, “Next year will be different.” And yet for the past 8+ it hasn’t been.  In the meantime, here are the things I find help me get through the holiday season.

1. MEDITATION – Yes, I meditate. How do you think I’m still sane after 12+ years of online dating? Yes, I am aware that I am not sane. It’s MADNESS that a person as ADHD as myself would be able to meditate, but I do at least once a day. Sometimes I even do it twice or three times depending on my day. It’s the perfect excuse to do NOTHING. I’m sorry I can’t help you right now, I’m meditating in order to ward off the mental breakdown I so desperately deserve. Ask someone else before I punch you in the gut.

2. EXERCISE – Speaking of punching people in the gut, taking my aggression out with exercise always puts me in a better mood. What would REALLY help is if I could kick some of these condescending jerks I came in contact with this year right in their balls; but NO ONE has that kind of time, so exercising will have to suffice. Since it’s now freezing in the Northeast, I have been using on demand, exercise apps, and yoga decks to avoid leaving my home. You can also dance around your living room or consider using your vibrator as exercise. If couples can count sex as exercise, we can count our vibrators. AMIRIGHT?!

christmas

3. SELF-CARE – There are a bunch of ways you can do this.  Sometimes it’s just nice to take a break from the holidays, put on a movie and (GASP!) turn off your cell or tablet. Highly therapeutic. I also enjoy far too many Hallmark Channel movies (Why haven’t I bumped into any hot guys at the coffee shop or local diner who have been secretly been in love with me for years?), ELF (Even a full grown man dressed as an Elf can get a relationship and I can’t.), and some of the classics I remember as a kid that make me laugh (and cry). Other ways include writing in a journal, hot bath, or a good book. However, the last two suggestions are by far what I will be doing this holiday season.

4. CHOCOLATE – The month of December does something to my appetite.  Not sure if it’s the cold air or the early snowfall this year, but all I want to do is eat brownies and cookies like it’s my DAMN JOB. I don’t even like bread that much and when I went to Wegmans Friday night, I bought 5 different types of bread/bagels/naan. Buddy the Elf has inhabited my body and I can’t stop myself.  Thankfully I don’t want to put maple syrup on my spaghetti – yet. And I CANNOT stop baking – brownies, peanut butter bars, cupcakes, cookie bars – I made them all in the last 3 days. Dare I say there’s a bonus to being single?! Don’t get too excited; it’s also a curse. It appears no one is going to see me naked any time soon so I can eat (and drink) what I want.

5. ALCOHOL. THE BEST OF ALL THE HOLIDAY SURVIVAL NECESSITIES. Nothing helps me self medicate more than a nice glass (read: bottle) of wine. Takes the edge off the stress of the holiday season AND helps me ignore that my 40th birthday is hovering  in LESS THAN 5 MONTHS. I don’t have a single prospect – not even a text buddy.  It’s almost mandatory to have it readily available 100% of the time especially when you are hanging out with relatives who ask you questions about your life that you don’t want to answer. You know the probing questions: “Why don’t you have a boyfriend? What are you doing with your life? What’s going on with your career? Maybe if you lost weight you would meet someone. I bet the Pats don’t win the Super Bowl. Tom Brady just doesn’t look as good as he used to….blah blah blah.” In the words of Robin from How I Met Your Mother – “NOBODY ASKED YOU, PATRICE.” You could make your own drinking game that you play with yourself. With the dating pool as it is, the one thing you can bet on is being alone – for ETERNITY.

Disclaimer: I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist, or even a journalist.  Your participation in any and/or all of the above events is at your own discretion.  Do not drink and drive.  I will not be held responsible for the ten pounds you gain eating all the chocolate and drinking all the booze for the rest of December. Don’t use electronics while in the bath/shower. Please don’t run around kicking guys in the balls for exercise (unless they deserve it), but call me so I can assist.  You can do anything you want, but this does not mean that you are free the consequences of said decisions.

Here’s to surviving the holidays single – again. Cheers!