dating, first world problems


It’s a bird, it’s a plane….NO! It’s Douche-a-Palooza 2017 edition.  Last time I wrote, the roster was wicked light.  Almost non-existent to be honest. I deleted all my dating apps and website profiles to take a break until September.  Not ideal for someone starting a dating blog. Do not fret my good friends. I don’t know if its the full moon, new moon or the eclipse but Douche-a-Palooza has arrived!

For a couple of weeks the roster has been hovering around two guys.  Then all of a sudden this past week I’m hearing from random guys I haven’t seen in YEARS about getting together. Two from 2006, one from Boston, and one who I matched with on bumble 3-4 months ago. Side note: the dude on bumble was weird.  He would text hi and I would respond then I wouldn’t hear anything and get a good night text at 10 PM – we had three encounters like this in a row.  After that I just stopped responding.  Did he really think that was working for me?

The best story from this past week is a guy I semi-dated in 2005-2006.  I’m going to call him Ralph because the thought of him literally makes me want to VOMIT.  Isn’t it awesome when we look back and say “Why the hell did I like THAT guy?” Ralph claims to be religious and Christian but then does shady shit that I’m fairly certain will be in his highlight reel should St. Peter actually be at the pearly gates of Heaven. He’s literally the worst kind of guy – pretends to be nice to get what he wants. We have kept in touch over the years and now that I am back in area he will text random crap from time to time.  I will respond, but little to no effort is made to continue the conversation.  He has said we should get together to grab dinner or a drink and catch up, but doesn’t make an effort. I told him straight out that he had no chance of scoring here.  Needless to say he hasn’t been actively pursuing meeting up; and this confirms what I suspected – he’s just trying to get in my pants.

And here’s the part that  REALLY gets my goat. He’s texts on a Saturday night like he’s missing me, but isn’t making any effort to talk.  He’s just trying to make plans for when he is back in Philly for his next appointment. See below evidence:


Note to guys everywhere: After 25 years I can spot your horse shit a mile away. Hug me? We have NEVER hugged.  More texts including “I’m pissed I didn’t get to see you when I was there” and “Can’t wait to see you” like all of a sudden he has some great interest in seeing me when we haven’t had an actual conversation in months?


Write this down ladies because its historic – I actually learned my lesson without having to repeat the same mistake 6-7 times. I fell for this ONLY ONCE. It’s a Douche-a-Palooza miracle!

Should I make myself available and get “free lunch” just to turn him down?  Not necessary, but could be fun.  Especially since 10+ years ago I never could.  If you think I’m too stupid to know what you are up to then you have to live with the consequences when it back fires. I mean, I’m really doing this for women everywhere who have to put up with this garbage.  AMIRIGHT?

And so Douche-a-Palooza continues….


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